Pedagogy

Divorce has a very negative impact on the lives of children. Children become very distant from their parents and friends. This is proved by my personal experience. I was just three years old, when I experienced the breakup of my family unit. I can remember, it was very difficult, because I was the only child among all my friends, whose parents were divorced. By the time I was seven years old, the most hurtful thing for me was when I went to a friends house. I felt awkward seeing a family together, knowing mine wasnt. Holiday season was the worst, because friends would ask me questions about my family, such as how we spent the holidays and I wasnt quite sure what to say. My school teachers wondered why my Russian speaking grandmother would come for parent-teacher conferences and nod at them inscrutably. I was embarrassed to say that my mom was busy working on two jobs, because she kicked my dad out for being emotionally retarded. Even now, I am almost twenty years old, and I still carry all of this anger and aggression with me, hoping one day to let it all out.

Divorce is one of the hardest things for a child to go through during their early age. It affects them in so many ways, over which they have no control. The greatest affect of divorce is the change in life situations. The family is no longer the way it used to be and the children will no longer have both parents around. Children, who are used to playing with the parent, who leaves every day will tend to feel lonely and unloved. The children are aware that nothing will be the same again. They feel that their former secure existence has been replaced by a state of uncertainty. Their bedtime, mealtime and other routines have been altered. These children might end up withdrawn and without the urge to play even with their mates (Henderson 23).

Children of the age group of 3 to 5 years old are at the stage where they require both their mother and father to love and take care of them. Such children are very much curious and enthusiastic about many aspects of their life. But when their parents get separated because of divorce, they are left with nothing but sorrows and thousands of questions. They need answers for questions, like what did I do wrong, what will happen of my future life (Frank F). This affects them psychologically and also their developing mental capability. (Hetherington and Josephine  34).

Children of this age group have the tendency to feel and believe that they are the real cause of their parents divorce. Some children tend to deny that anything is out of place and become very uncooperative and rude (Parker paragraph 4). A study released in 2002 by the Institute for American Values shows that unhappily married adults, who later get divorced, not only end their happy life, but also leave a very false effect on their children, which affects them mentally, psychologically and socially. More than half of all American children witness the breakup of a parents marriage. Some of these witness the break of their parents second marriage. (Furstenberg, Zill, Nord, and Peterson Life Course)

Such children, without knowing the real cause behind the divorce of their parents, become more aggressive and angry towards one of their parents. They develop an argumentative and antisocial behaviour. Many children, though showing happiness on their face, feel very much depressed and sad from inside. This continues for a long period of time and such children enter into wrong paths, such as drug addiction, juvenile delinquency, prostitution.

As far as I am personally concerned, I am an outgoing and sociable person when in a company. When I am alone I am depressed and miserable. I didnt have any attention from my parents while growing up and I seek that attention now. I am always the go-getter out of all of my friends, and I am always surrounded by a lot of people. I have held in my anger for almost two decades and the way I let my feelings out is by diverting my mind and entertaining myself in some extra curricular activities.

Interview with a child affected by divorce 

This is the interview with Michael,10.
When I was five years old my mom and dad got divorced. My father moved to Boston, and I was very much hurt, because I realized that he was leaving and I would not be able to see him every day. We used to spend much time together. At that age I felt very much sad, depressed and angry, because all my friends used to tell me about their parents, and I was to just listen to them. I was left alone and I had to take many decisions myself, most of which used to be wrong. My father said he would be divorcing my mom, but that he wouldnt be divorcing me. I wept for a long time. From that day I hoped every second that he will come back home very soon and we will live together. I always hope that my mom shall never remarry again because no one can take the place of my father. What I am just hoping and will keep hoping is that they solve all their misunderstandings and live together once again. (Krementz, Jill).

Children may live with a false hope that their parents will get back together. When they fail to do so, they react with disappointment. Some children will refuse to eat due to the stress, especially those that are so attached to the parent, who leaves. They get thin and get different problems associated with poor nutrition. Due to all the effects associated with the divorce, academic performance of the children is affected (Henderson 14). Such children lack parental support, which is the most essential ingredient required at this age. They feel degraded and they feel separate from their peers and colleagues.

The pain experienced by a child of divorced parents is composed of a sense of vulnerability as the family separates, a feeling of intense anger and misunderstanding and very strong feelings thinking that they are helpless and powerless (Hetherington).

Children between 5 to 8 years old very often cry and grieve for their parents love. Such children often have the feeling that their parents will reunite, which happens very rarely. The children face a very difficult time at this age placing their life in danger.

Divorce disrupts the development of the skills in children which is needed to adapt to society later in life. One of the most intriguing hypotheses about the effects of divorce on children is the suggestion that it makes them think that they need to grow up a little faster. Because of increased practical and emotional demands, children of divorced parents may have to assume responsibilities at an earlier age than their peers, especially, if they have younger siblings. My sister, for example, feels that she missed out on her childhood, because she was busy taking care of my brother and me. I feel that my older sister now resents both my brother and me, because now that we are older, we have enjoyed the teenage years that she missed out on.

The effects of divorce are more considerable for a girl child compared to a boy child. The former is more sensitive than the latter. What girls usually need in their life is nothing but a father. If, after divorce, a girl child lives with her mother, the most important aspect of life, which she will miss is the contact with her father. Such disappearance of her father will reduce her self esteem and her will to live life. They wont be able to understand and experience day-to-day love and care from and for the opposite sex. This results in the lack of creating a healthy relationship with an opposite sex. They feel abandoned and very much dejected. In a girls life there are many decisions where she requires the help and consultancy of her father. In such a case she ends up in making wrong decisions resulting in her own loss. Divorce affects the girl even at the time of her marriage. When asked by her parents in law about her father, she wont be able to give the sufficient answer making her embarrassed. This leads to the breakage of her marriage. She may take steps, such as suicide, anger outbursts and many criminal acts.

Morrison and Block conducted a survey of children living in two-parent families. This survey was conducted in 1981. In it, a measure of parental agreement of child-rearing practices (completed when the children were 3 years old) showed lower levels of aggression among boys at the age of three, four, and seven, whereas agreement tended to be associated with higher levels of externalizing among girls. Based on this survey it was predicted that there will be some increases in social competence among girls but not among boys. Growing up a faster hypothesis is the name given to the results of this survey. This study shows that when conflict arises between parents, boys react with increased aggression whereas girls react with increased pro-social behaviour. Maturity and high social competence is often found in divorced parents children. But this only has negative outcome in the long run. There are many other consequences of divorce, which have not been discovered yet and may not become evident until years later. It has also been found out that the impact of early divorce of parents has the risk of medical problems in children like idiotism and especially depression.
Researchers have shown that after the divorce, male children raised by fathers and female children raised by mothers are likely to do better than male children raised by their mothers and female children raised by their fathers. School aged boys staying with their male parents, or have greater contact with them, tend to be less aggressive. They also tend to have less emotional problems than boys, who live with their mothers and have little or no communication with theirfathers. Female children raised by their female parents tend to be more mature and responsible than those raised by their male parents. The effect in girls and boys in the long run depend with the parent who raises them (Lee sec. 2.4).

Further affects of divorce on children
Insecure feelings. Such children feel insecure and afraid about their future. Many questions arise in their mind, like what will happen in future, will we be poor, will we have food to eat or not

Fear of being abandoned. Children feel that one of the parents have left him. They may also fear that his other parent may also leave him.

Wrong thinking. They may start blaming themselves for the separation of their parents.

Powerlessness. Children of divorced parents may feel and consider themselves alone, sad and helpless. The result may be that the child takes wrong path like drug addiction.

Stress and Loneliness. They may develop stress among themselves. They may develop the character of loneliness, anger, aggression.

Psychological and Mental problems. Because of all these reasons, such children may face many psychological and health problems. They may turn insane, lunatic. They may develop many diseases like asthma, lifelong headache or dyslexia.

Feeling of growing up faster. One of the most intriguing hypotheses about the effects of divorce on children is the suggestion that it makes them grow up a little faster. Because of increased practical and emotional demands, divorced children may have to assume responsibilities at an earlier age than their peers, especially if they have younger siblings.

Lack of wish to become parents in future. Children affected by divorce become less attentive, less disciplined and mischievous. They have the feeling that all marriages come to an end by divorce. So they there is an instinct in their mind that they do not want to become parents. They make the decision of not marrying and do not want take responsibilities of either a mother or a father.

Sadly, the parental support needed during these times is often lacking, because parents are so wrapped up in their own problems during a divorce that their ability to function as parents diminishes.

Statistics showing the affects of divorce on children
Many studies in the early 90s showed that children of divorced parents had negative results in their academic life earning lower grades and getting lesser marks. (Cherlin, Andrew, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage, Harvard University 1981).

40 of the children growing today in America are being raised without their fathers.

Children are affected more mentally and psychologically because of parents separation due to divorce compared to such separation by death.

Most victims of child molestation come from single-parent households or are the members of groups which use and take drugs. (Los Angeles Times 16 September 1985 The Garbage Generation).

Not less than 63 children have some psychological problems such as anxiety, sadness, depression and moodiness phobia.

The minimum number of children affected by divorce every year is one million.

Around 56 children show negative results in their academic performance resulting in lower grades, bad performance. (A report, Michigan University).

Such children are at greater risk of life. They may have lifelong medical problems like asthma, headache, etc. They feel insecure, afraid, worried. (Survey on children health, Journal of marriage and family).

Sexual abuse rate of girls by their step fathers is on a high increase. This rate compared to the rate in previous years is six to seven times higher. (Diana E. H. Russell, Child abuse and neglect, 1984, p. 15).

Children are the persons who suffer to the maximum when their parents divorce. This suffering has long lasting psychological damage. E.g. neglect of children affects the children more compared to physical abuse. (Yuriko Egami, American journal of psychiatry, 1996, p.921).

Children who come from broken or divorced homes are twice as likely to commit suicide compare to the people who do not come from such homes. (Cohen, Velez, Suicidal behavior and ideation in a committee sample of children, 1988)

Steps to be taken to help the children after their parents
Divorce and the separation of parents can have a n immense impact on the social, psychological and emotional life of children. This affects the children in the age group of 5-8 years, and such drastic changes in their early life put their teenagehood also in grave danger. Such children fail to understand the parent-child relationship. The development of skills in such children becomes slow. Their behaviour also gets affected. Thus, there is a need for effective steps to be taken by, not only the divorcing couples but also many organizations in helping such children to grow emotionally and socially.

Based on the statistics provided above, it can be understood that children need love of both the mom as well as the dad. They need a loving and stable environment around themselves so that they can grow without any mental or social problem. Children should be kept away from abusing atmosphere as it is very much harmful for their future life.

To minimize the psychological effects of divorce on children both the parents, after divorce, must attempt to meet and fulfill all the basic and essential needs of their children. The most important thing to remember is that children need the love and care of both the mother and father. The most important step to be taken after divorce is to see that the child is not asked to choose between his father and mother.

The ability of the parents to communicate with the children and make them understand is very important. Although it is painful to talk about the divorce, discussing the problem with the children will help in strengthening the relationship with them, which is very important after they are left fore the care of only one parent. Talking will also help in fostering their trust especially for the children who are left with the parent they are against. Talking about general matters will be helpful for younger children (Hetherington and Josephine 30).

The parents should be able to meet their needs for protection and support. There is a need for the parents to be strong for the sake of the children. Adults should be able to take care of themselves and maintain a good relationship with the ex- husband or the ex-wife, which will help the children in dealing with the effects. There should be minimal conflicts between parents after the divorce to protect the children (Parker paragraph 2).
Children should be given a field to express their feelings and grieve their loss, to be able to come out of the inevitable situation stronger and more resilient. There is a need to reassure the children that they can still count on both parents for love and support throughout their life. Moving children from one house to another will not be helpful. Young children tend to think that they are being punished when they are moved from one household to another. They tend to feel that they are being thrown out because they are not good children. Arrangements should be made for the benefit of the children. Parents should quit being selfish and do whatever is for the benefit of their children. Both parents should continue to be close to the children, no matter who gets the custody, so that the children will feel loved and cared for (Lee section 2.7).

Parents should make it clear for the children that the divorce is ultimate, so that their fantasy of their parents getting back together is discouraged. Let both of the parents participate in raising them and in that way their dream of having the parents together will be somehow realized. Parents should try as much as possible to limit disruptions to the children in the divorce process. They should try as much as possible to retain them in their school, house, child care and their neighborhood. They should monitor and understand what their child thinks about divorce and help him. In very serious cases, counseling can help the children in coping with the situation (Henderson 24).

In such a case, there is a need for some child specialists and other child mental health professionals, who can understand the real nature and character of such children and help them root out the negative thinking from their mind, their heart and their life. Such professionals have the capability to be cognizant of the broad spectrum regarding the disadvantages of such divorce on children. After learning and understanding the mind set of such children they can provide sufficient support to such children to help them develop the psychological aspects of life.

Thus taking such steps will lead to a healthy relationship between parents and their children. Such steps will also reduce the impact of divorce on the children.